I don't want to die.
I have things to do.
Plans.

But sometimes, and for no reason at all, life gets heavy.
So heavy things slow down, tears are ever present, you can see things as if from above or from within a bubble.

I find it difficult enough to wrestle my own feelings of worthiness, much less dealing with those feelings subjected upon me by another. Another I love, who is supposed to love me. Obliviousness is not an excuse.
Relationships are about building, not just maintaining.

Sometimes I imagine my death. Daydream it. I never imagine pain or loss or even self infliction, just ... the end. It would be so easy to push the gas instead of the break in an intersection. To not swim. To lean forward instead of walk backwards off a bridge. To obliviously walk into a busy road.
But that's easy.
And lazy.
Easy.
Life isn't easy.
Goals don't just happen.



Easy isn't very rewarding.

I'm back from Mouse-witz.

Things I have learned or confirmed:

• I have minimal tolerance for screaming and chatting children packed like sardines in a metal fuselage bolting 900 kajillion miles an hour too slow to our destination.
• The meal plan is totally worth it. The food is either pretty good or absolutely abysmal, either way, making the meal plan a valuable asset so if it sucks you don't pay too much and if its good, you paid far less than you would have.
• I HATE STROLLERS!
• If Disney really wanted to monopolize, they would build their next park geared towards teenagers. Big rides, big thrills! (oh, and beer, all the parks should have beer!)
  

Things I will never understand about Disney (or theme parks in general):

• If you are too old, too fat, too disabled, or too pregnant and NEED a motorized wheelchair/scooter, WHY ARE YOU HERE? What can you even do? How is this fun?
• Why are you bringing infants? Personally, I wouldn't bring a child until they were old enough to remember it, old enough/tall enough to enjoy almost everything and old enough to walk under their own steam without tiring out too early. IE, I think (personally) age 7-11 is perfect. Age 3 and under? Most definitely not!
• Turkey legs. Does anyone really eat these? I think they are props.
• The fashion, or more accurately, lack there of. Man-pris... capris for men... What. Is. That? The ever present socks and sandals. Man-dals... again, sandals for men...why? Air-brushed Ts. Spandex. Tube tops and halter tops, ON CHILDREN! (don't even get me started, I have a whole separate diatribe on functional and age appropriate clothing.) Mom jeans and the converse of that, women in, what for all intents and purposes is really just denim panties. Heavy sigh.
• Why do people Honeymoon at Disney? After months of planning and loads of stress, especially in the weeks leading up to a wedding why would you want to subject yourselves with mediocre hotels, mediocre food and long hot days of sweating, line waiting, walking, and activities not catered to adults? Not the mention the embarrassing head wear! NO. THANK. YOU. I want to be somewhere so lazy that I can actually pay someone to hold my alcoholic mid-day drink up to my mouth for me.

Right now I am very tired, and maxed out.
And I am back at "work".
Until tomorrow mi amores.

The End.

The not so subtle rumor around here is that I am going to Florida this weekend, tomorrow in fact!

I can't wait for the waking up at 4am to make the flight. And the remembering everything to pack. And the airsickness combined with possible flight delays or turbulence. I'm looking forward to the sunburn and dehydration, the carrying everyone's stuff around. And the...

hang on a minute!
ien minuten bitter!

Those aren't things to look forward to.
Look, I know I should be really excited, and call me a spoil sport if you will, but Disney World is not exactly my idea of fun. Sure! I will likely have a good time, but really? I like REAL rides, not sappy kiddie rides, and good food and drink and relaxing, and yes, Disney has spas, but I won't have time for any of them (silent tear).

I'm sure it will be fun and full of good memories and thanks to my fab new camera, good pictures. But, its definitely not my ideal vacation.

Ideal vacay? Hmmmm, Involves either an exotic location and loads of relaxing and massages and sun or a historical location with gads and gads of museums and ruins. Both vacations involve way too rich food and way too much drink.

The things I am most looking forward to are the heat (no its is NOT hot up here, you stupid New Englanders! This is the type of weather I would expect in March, not freaking May...) and having two whole days off work!
Bloody boring work.


Speaking of boring work... to pass the time I have been abusing itunes purchasing way too much, and watching Lost, which has not really gotten "better" to speak of, but is holding my interest for the moment. I am also reading a book my friend is writing (which, if you like realistic modern fiction with a touch of fantasy thrown in, you'd love this, He really is very talented), not only am I finding it to be a good read, but I am really flattered that he trusts my judgment to critique his plot points, character developments and my over all editing. I get the impression he is unsure of his work and I wish he weren't, MB really is a very dynamic writer. I'd love to publish bits of it here and get the impression of others. Maybe I will ask MB if that would be ok with him, I know he plans on getting a publisher on board in the next year.
Would anyone be interested in reading some fiction here?

If not, I promise to bring the same ol' smart ass-ness one has come to expect from me.

I feeling pretty lame and have no real ending for this, so uh, have a freaking awesome weekend and get your pretty tails back here on Tuesday.

Each, that was so lame!
Can't you think of anything?
No?
Damn, you do need a vacation.

Guess what?

I GOT A NEW CAMERA!

The old one, howyousay... broke. Or more accurately, kinda split in half. It still "works", but is bound to go from halting straight to "shit got in me! I won't work!" any minute now.
I've had the ol' girl for almost 8 years and she has done me good. Stood by me, everyday (yup, have it on me all the time), to document all the moments, research and images I need and want.

Now, let me display my massive brain and superior intellect!
BEHOLD:
I have been trying for the past few days to figure out how to show off my new camera... uh, you know, have a picture on my blog for all to see.

A picture...

Of my camera...

with my camera?

Uh, NO.
Mah smarts, they is showin'

The bad part is, it took me like 20 minutes to really think it out and realize that I, in fact, could in no way take this picture.
sigh.
So, thank you internets, for already having pictures.


As my dad says when I display such massive intelligence, its a good thing I'm pretty.
Damnit.


Yes, went out and bought a camera on the first trip at the first store, you could say I'm a bit of a technology shopping whore, the equivalent of sleeping with a dude on the first date. But look, I didn't have loads of time, needing the camera for Florida this weekend and secondly, have no patience for shopping or technology, as I don't understand it.

Lucky for me though, it has incredible zoom, 10 mega pixels, 5 image sizes, awesome DPI and gads of other features that I don't remember cause the above listed are the only ones I understand as I they relate to what I do in Photoshop!

So next week, you will all see the New! And Improved! Photos! That will of course make my photography skillz super sick! And my Florida images will be fabulous!
(sick as in wicked awesome)
(wicked awesome as in cool)
(cool and in neat-o)
(you get it)


Feel free to overzealously express your envy ..... now.

Don't know why I didn't post yesterday, I was here, all day, doing nothing.
I guess I just didn't feel that zen if you will.
Besides, its my blog and I'll write if I want to.

Many (none) of you may be asking what I did do yesterday, as Boss was out of the office the whole day and I have no work, unsurprisingly, I decided to try something new.

Lost.

As in the TV show, you know, on ABC?
Of course you know, why? Because I am the ONLY PERSON WHO DOESN'T WATCH THIS SHOW!

Yesterday I watched six episodes of Lost.
SIX!
In one day! (in fact, I'm on the seventh right now...)

I told my Aunt this yesterday and she got all excited and was trying to get me to explain some things to her and was blabbing on about characters and whatnot until I was finally able to make it clear that I'm only on Season 1, yeah that's right, NEVER SEEN THE SHOW, starting on Season 1.
I know this is going to be blasphemous and shit, but honestly? I'm not too impressed.
I really don't think Lost is that well written.
Shhhh, don't tell the die-hards I said so!
See, I'm only six episodes in and already there are too many holes, and not the kind that can be artfully filled. The being that knocks down trees at night? Viewers were all "what is that" and "holy shit!", look it can only be one of two things, a REAL thing or a MAGICAL thing. If its a real thing, then that makes the writing implausible and illogical so the viewers would find it unbelievable. If its a magical thing, then the writers jobs become increasingly harder as they then have to create the whole Lost world as magical but that is only believable if the rules of our current world's logic remain, and most writers are too lazy and not good enough to create this.
Also, some of the characters are lacking. The Kate character? She's supposedly "dangerous" and her crimes are so ungodly. Well, to put that sort of emphasis on her lack of human morals or her horribleness she must have done something so horrific, so deranged that there is no way she could just "flip off the crazy switch" once she hits the island and become this moral and social leader that she is. No one who murders loads of babies or bombs hospitals or rapes war survivors or does the equivalent of genocide can suddenly shut that off.
I really think its the case of the general public not being aware of what really good science fiction/fantasy is, how it is crafted and moulded, how the unrealistic is weaved into our finite views of reality. If you never read the good shit, then you would have no idea that Lost is mediocre. This is what I get for being the kid of a serious sci fi nerd.

My father says the plot points become less plausible and more holey as the seasons go on, but I guess I will reserve judgment on that till I get there, maybe it does improve?






Anyway,
I'm off to Florida this weekend (more on this later) and need some new tunage on the ol' ipod. I like all kinds of music, except dirty rap, so lay it on me, what is everyone jamming to today?



(oh who are we kidding? I like dirty rap too.)

Each: So, have you found any places in Mass that you like?

La: Kinda, My dad wants to just buy me a house, but I don't know.

Each: Damn... I wish my dad would buy me a freaking house.

La: Yeah, but I almost think I just want to move into an apartment so I don't have to deal with house stuff for a while and just figure things out.

Each: Well, that's a good idea too. Have you looked at anything.

La: There was one I liked, it has a pool!

Each: Oh yeah? Remember the name? I might know it (for reasons that shall not be revealed here.)

La: Oh, I don't remember I think its on [street redacted].

Each: huh, really? What's the name of the complex?

La: I don't know.

Each : [complex named redacted]

La: Maybe, let me check.
....
Yeah, that's it, why?

Each: Oh, no reason, its just I LIVE THERE!

La: Shut up! You are kidding!

Each: NO I AM NOT!
....
You HAVE to move here!
I can cook for you!
and take the puppies on walkies!
and we can watch girly shit in our PJs and never have to change out of them cause we live right down the hall!
And I can take you to get Dells and show you where DSW is!
And when Nick visits, you and OM and I can have couples dates! Couples dates!
And I can show you cool pubs!
And we can go shopping in Boston at Anthropologie with Barbie!
And just think, our wardrobes with DOUBLE since we wear the EXACT SAME SIZE!
And I can help you move in!
It will be great!

So, uh, that means yes right?

La?

Right?

This post is brought to you by the committee of guilting La into moving next door to Each. If you would like to support this cause, and we encourage that you do, leave a note here or here and lay it on thicker than the offspring of an Irish Catholic and a Jew. If you think this committee is above the strategies of guilt and peer pressure, you are wrong, very very wrong.

Why is it our Ex's have such hold on us?

I have many an Ex boy, but when I refer to an "Ex", I mean just one in particular, one I haven't spoken of much here, mostly due to the emotional trauma and scaring left on my soul. That's another story for another day, but suffice to say, his hold on me and emotional abuse extended for well over a year beyond the expiration date of our nearly 4 year relationship, making me, at minimum and very different person in the end.

But something happened yesterday that sent me in a ego crushing tailspin, something I am not proud of nor completely sure of its origins.
I was doing a little MySpace stalk... er, perusing, and with the lovely new features MySpace now tells you when people update their profiles, add new pics, etc.
Well, my Ex added new pictures.
New pictures of his new Girlfriend.
The new Girlfriend he felt the need to inform me via txt and email (I do not communicate back with him, communication is for friends, not emotionally abusive stalkers) that he was seeing, just to let me know that he too has "moved on".
Being nosey, I checked them out.

Bad Idea.

She is tall.
And Thin.
And Blond.
Three things I, am not.
I felt sick.

They always say that after a big break up, your next significant other is a true reflection of how your previous relationship ended or what you did or did not like about it. My Ex has always dated and found attractive short curvy brunette girls, ALWAYS, I have met and seen pictures of the gals before me and I KNOW.
I'm not quite sure what to gather from this.

I have many flaws, one is a personal issue, the fact that I base so much of my self confidence on how men, My Man in particular, find me sexually attractive and valuable. I hate that I tend to center my self worth on sexual desirability, but I do. And to see someone whom I had built a life with, a nearly 4 year relationship with plans of marriage and kids who was always hot for ME, suddenly hot for someone diametrically physically opposite of me, well, more than just stings a little.

I don't even understand why I CARE!
Why should this affect me?
I have MOVED ON, I am in love with OM, I want a marriage and a house and babies with him, not my Ex.
I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH MY EX.
I Don't even care if he is seeing someone, or fucking someone, I don't care!
One of my more recent ex's is seeing the girl who took my place in a previous apartment, I even introduced them when I was still with him for Christ's sake and I don't care about them!
Besides, my Ex has put on loads of weight!
And is BALD.
And works at a fucking rent-a-car place!
OM is eleventy bajillion times better!
I HAVE NO REASON TO CARE!

But, apparently, I DO care that I am prettier or in some way "er" or "more" or "better" than His next girl. My emotional strings of history and shallow selfishness baffle me. I am confused and hurt and angry at the same time.

I analytically understand that what I had with my Ex was significant, significant in my life, my personal history and my maturity as an adult. I understand if not for him and our relationship I would not be the person I like so much today and refuse to devalue that

But all I could do was stare at those pictures and feel fat and ugly and unwanted.

I am almost ashamed how much I let him hurt me when we imploded, how little I thought of myself to allow such eroding of soul , and I am more than just a little ashamed that I felt those feelings yesterday. To top it off, I felt so insecure and emotional I had to express it to OM, who has no understanding of the entire thing from top to bottom, starting with why I care about Ex's new girl, to how I could ever see myself as anything other than the amazing bombshell of a woman he sees (yeah, he's pretty great), but he was able to gather the emotional weight it was on me, and help it to arc out importance.

In the greater scheme of things its not life shattering, I never feel ugly or unattractive to OM, but the emotional blip on my radar is beyond unnerving.

I was telling Jess about this bizarre day ruining yesterday and she so plainly stated; so obviously he thought YOU were perfect and he SETTLED for her. I find her wise in all things, and we should always listen to what she has to say, obviously.

The thing is, I don't know why our ex's have holds over us, but I am guessing it has to do with something unique you had with that person, very characteristic of yourself that is now gone, and in many cases unretrievable. Making us feel that part of our character is unretrievable.
I had something like that with my Ex.
I had something with him I never had before and am sad to say probably never again.

And not so strangely want that thing back without having the relationship back.
The relationship was a failure, but that "thing" we had was such a success I think we are both looking for it, which is why he continues to attempt at contact.

See, no one ever made us laugh like each other.

Everyday.

It was ridiculous.

The exact same sense of humor

Don't get me wrong, OM and I laugh, we laugh a lot, I find humor very important in all my relationships, romantic or not, and I think OM is very funny, as does he to me.

But that kind of exact humor matching like I had with my Ex is rare.

And I want it back.
Without him.

Maybe more than just being "prettier" than the new girl, I want to be "funnier"?
Either way, its very egomaniacal to expect that any one person can be so earth shattering on another to create irreparable damage, which I guess is what I have been so foolishly assuming is what happened with my Ex.
Proving, once again, I am so very full of myself in all my glory.

But it doesn't make the slap of a replacement (take that as you may) sting any less.

And it doesn't explain that hold that they still maintain on us.

But, with my good-looking, job holding, ambitious, full head of hair, in shape boyfriend firmly attached to me, it does make me hope that hold is not one sided.